I know it is just beginning but I cannot help but reflect on the past 3 months. They have been the most challenging yet the most fulfilling. Y’all, I NEVER KNEW just how good it feels to be RIGHT where the Lord wants you. Honestly, I thought that it was a never-ending search but Lord, how wrong was I? Last night, I was laying in bed (wide-eyed of course) reading back in my journal. March 15th, written in my left-handed, kindergarten handwriting, “on the plane home from Guatemala, Jesus can I go please?” It just reiterated just how deep and wide His love really is. He cares for us, y’all. He wants to give us our hearts greatest desire. I say these things not to boast but to give you that much more proof, if you let Him, He will, I promise.
For the past couple of weeks I have developed this fear of going home. Weird I know, but let me explain. Maybe fear is not the word but I don’t know another one that fits. I am more than excited for clean water, good food that doesn’t make me sick, a good community, my best friends, crawling in Mama and Daddy’s bed every morning, Kenz, P and T, my church, speaking English, I could go on. So why fear? Let me be cliche and cheesy for a second, I have never been this happy before in my life. But y’all, I AM CONVINCED that it is because I have been placed in a situation where I have no option but to run to the Lord for EVERYTHING, absolutely everything. I have found that there is no greater joy than the joy found in His will. Because of these things, the fear comes in because I do not want to return to the selfish, small-minded, blind Christian that I was before. I know that I serve the same God in the States that I do here but the truth is, I have found Him in a whole new way here and I do not want that flame to die. I fear having to answer the “how is Guatemala, do you love it, tell me everything” kinda questions. While I wish more than anything I could explain it, that issue of not finding BIG enough words will come, I just know it. However, I will try my best. I fear that I have not done anything here, I have not made a difference. I fear the transition, even if it is just 3 weeks. Going from this place, to home is gunna be weird. I fear that I will lose my Spanish. I have never loved a place, a challenge, a group of people as much as I do here in Guatemala. I loved Ole Miss but I always wanted to come home when it was getting close to a break. Y’all KNOW I loved South Africa but I was ready to come home. Does it scare you as much as it does me when I say that I don’t have that feeling right now? Mama, Daddy, Kenz, P and T, fam and friends, do not worry, I am going some where with this. I spent a lot of time last week just asking the Lord to explain these fears to me or to give me a desire and a need to go home. Ask and you shall receive, child.
This past week was one of the tougher ones. 1. I had to say goodbye to my hospital family and patients. We has a child returned to us with a broken femur after being dropped. That brought back the worries of all the other kids being home with their families for Christmas. 2. Leslie, a dear friend and college roommate went to be with Jesus. Losing someone my own age was something that I had not experienced before. Being away from home was the hardest. I wanted to be home more than ever, with my friends to share the hurt with. I craved the comfort that only your mom and dad can provide. I was so busy at work and in the villages that I really could not process what had happened. Though it was not in the way I would have picked, He gave me a desire, a need to go home. When I finally got the chance to “be still” this week, 2 Timothy 4:7 came to mind. I know this one by heart, y’all. It was my grandfather, Deda’s life verse. I cling to it more often than not. But for some reason this time, I opened my Bible to read it.
“As for you, always be ready, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all those who have loved His appearing.”
2 Tim. 4:5-8
Here the Apostle Paul is writing to Timothy, basically passing him the torch to follow in his footsteps because Paul was soon going to die. Timothy was to fulfill the most significant work on earth. We too, as Christians should be doing the most significant work on earth, advancing His Kingdom. No, I am not about to die, not that I know of at least but I am leaving here for a second. “Be steady” reminded me to be consistent, whether I am at home in Guatemala or home in McDonough. “Fulfill your ministry”- I have to go home to fulfill pur[SHOE]ing joy. “Poured out like a drink offering” - no, I have not been physically sacrificed but it hit me JUST HOW EXHAUSTED I am. For someone who hates resting, I knew that I needed rest after these 3 months of going and doing. I have done my best to pour out everything I have to be the hands and feet of Jesus but the Lord reminded me of the sweetness of going home and getting poured into. He gave me a desire, a need to go home. “The time of my departure has come”- again, he is referring to going home to be with Jesus but I could not help but take it as “Shelby, the time of your departure has come, (for now)”. Where Satan is telling me the opposite, the Lord is giving me Deda’s life verse to give me confidence that I have finished this part of the course (of 3 months), although I have failed at times, I still have the faith and have fought the good fight. I have done so because of Him, the strength that He has provided, though. As Christians, obviously the end of our race is when we get to meet Jesus. My prayer is that I continue to run my race not to get through life, not to get praise, but to fulfill my ministry, finish the ULTIMATE race and receive the prize of glory that He promises. The last part of the verse, I took as a challenge to go home, get re-energized in the comfort of my home, family and friends so that I can come back ready to go again. Not that I am working for a crown, but that I am working for the King that gives us a crown anyway. He gave me a need for energy, another desire to go home. I also found in my journal “I am thankful that the Lord provides resting places as well as working places. Rest, then and be thankful when He brings you to a wearied wayside well.” And as if that was not enough, I got up this morning to watch one last sunrise and to read my devo, ironically I was a day behind, so this morning I read December 12th. Just LOOK. That’s our King, y’all!
Told y’all not to worry. I am sad to leave but this Guatemalan chica is READY and ANXIOUS to get home. He has given me more desires and needs than fears to go home. When we let fear take over, we leave no room for the Father. I am thankful. Overjoyed. Pumped. My heart is so full. Thank y’all, for loving me these past 3 months and continuing to love me. Thank for encouraging me and challenging me. Thank you pur[SHOE]ing joy. Be ready for lots of Guatemala cheek kisses.
It feels like Christmas morning already!
oh so joyous,
-SA
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